I can;t even think of a title, so this will have to do.

I have 21 minutes to write this.

I've been having a problem with identity lately.  I feel as though I'm losing mine.  Luiz put it very well, when he stated "Irv is so watery...and you're dissolving in it."  Although to place the blame on Irv wouldn't be fair to him, and wouldn't allow any kind of progress or change.

Here's the fundamentals:  I have no time for myself any more. Now, it's a common problem, probably.  I'm sure everyone knows how it feels to some degree, but much of my spiritual development hinges on time to meditate, read, contemplate the tarot, and just have quiescent time, free of external static.  It's gone.  There is no more of that time, available for me.

I wake up, and Alden is awake.  He and I leave for work and school at the same time.  I get home from work, and now Luiz is awake, and Luiz and I spend time together, often running errands, going out to lunch, and definitely, all the time, talking to each other.  3 pm happens, and Alden and Irv both arrive home.  Now it's their time, and the relatively quiet (though not at all the quiescent meditative quality spiritual growth stuff that I'm talking about) morning, turns into a circus.  Now it's homework, pandering to Irv, cooking, cleaning, cleaning, homework, pandering, and so forth, till I declare that I am sitting and not doing one more fucking thing.  At 11 pm.  Sometimes I stay up till one, vegetatively staring into my computer screen, playing some mindless brain flushing game, just so I shut it all down enough to fall asleep, sometimes I drink so I can shut it all down enough to fall asleep, sometimes, when it's been especially trying, and it has been especially trying, I take a pill that allows me to shut it all down and fall asleep. Often washed down with said drink.  Sure, post 11, I could read.  Can you effectively read Faust or Regardie after running around maniacally for sixteen hours? Neither can I.  If I do read, it's easy stuff.

That sounds like a somewhat typical day, for a mother, right?  It's more than that, I think.  Irv has serious, and I mean extremely serious codependency issues.  When he is home from work, which has been more often lately than usual, he relies on me to do everything with him or for him.  Everything.  As in, I cannot even shower alone. He has to shower with me. It's not a sexual thing, no, it's a "but I need your company!" thing.  When I was sick last week, he was on vacation from work, and he actually had a foot stomping (as in he shuffled and lightly stamped his foot, yes.) tantrum, because I absolutely put my foot down about going out of the house. He wanted to drive for an hour and a half, and check three stores, to find some nonessential tool, because it was "something to do".  He would not go by himself, and he was very unhappy being "trapped at home", which led him to stomping around the house, making my already tiresome and mildly shitty day extremely shitty.    So, when he's home from work, just to keep peace, it's The Irv Show! (cue zany talk show music)  To a lesser degree, it's The Alden Show!  I really try to focus on Alden and get involved with his schoolwork and life.  Luiz, sometimes works during the day, and we don't see each other, so sometimes, he attempts to have a conversation with me in the afternoon...which sparks off a frenzy of attention getting behaviors, and essentially results in me being pulled in three equal directions. My own direction, whether it's doing research for work, or idly pursuing my own interests, or god forbid reading...doesn't even figure in.  Even yesterday, when I was rushing out the door to go to a tarot event, Alden was literally throwing himself in my path, and waving papers in my face.  Nonessential things.

Here's why I'd never tell Luiz to fuck off and leave me alone:  For the most part, he does.  When you're in a relationship with someone, whether it's a friendship or more, it's expected that you do spend some time together, talking, sharing ideas, being intimate. Around both of our work schedules, and The Irv and Alden Show! we try to eke out a little of that.  It's been precious little of any of that, lately.

Here's why I have a problem telling Irv to fuck off and leave me alone:  This one is more complex.  During the lawn season, we honestly spend very little time together. He comes home around 8, eats dinner, we have a little time to talk while we're cleaning and doing nighttime things, then he showers around 10, and crashes.  So, that's part of the year, and it makes time spent during those times, precious.  So, I enjoy devoting a whole Sunday to doing Irv things.  Secondly, the time we spend together, is pleasant.  We seldom bicker, and he's very cool about doing nice things for me.  Like, Sunday we wound up going on the non-essential tool odyssey, that he's been wanting to do for awhile, but on the way back, we hit a few of my favorite liquor stores, and he got me some really nice beer.  It was overall, a pleasant whole day. Often, he's keyed into my mundane needs. Like, if I need to run to the store and get a few things for dinner, he's excited to do that (with me, not alone).  He thinks he's being sensitive.  Yesterday, I got home from work, and it was particularly tiring.  He took me out for lunch (pleasant! It's never not pleasant) and we came home. I wanted, have been wanting, to read an excellent educational, spiritually fulfilling book.  He said "I want to go out later and " because he was off yesterday from work, and not feeling well.  But, by 11 am, he was already antsy and inventing shit for himself (and me) to do.  He said "you have about a half hour of free time, that'll be great.  See? I know you need time to yourself"  He thinks he's really trying.  His feelings get very hurt.  

Here's why I can't tell Alden to fuck off and leave me alone:  He's my boy.  Of all the directions I'm pulled in, his is the one I'm most devoted to.  When there's clamor, and he's trying to tell me about his school day, Luiz is like "babycakes, you gotta read this thing here.", and Irv's going "hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, is the bathroom clean? Should we clean it? Let's go to Home Depot and get a special thing to clean it. Could you look the price up online, and maybe compare it to the other cleaner, and while we're out, I need to stop at Barney's house and pick u-zzzzzzzzzzzzzomfgshutup....."anyway, when that's all happening, I make it very clear to everyone that ALDEN IS SPEAKING and I wanna hear it.  I wanna hear about his good test grades and his bad ones, and if he got picked on at school, and did he take a shower this morning?  I actually want to hear it.  Why this is bad?  Alden really takes advantage of his position on the attention totem pole, and will often monopolize my attention and run his platform down into minutia, till I'm listening raptly to him talking about the honey mustard dressing on his salad at school today, and how it was tangier than yesterday.

My identity is dissolving.  Irv just walked in the door and said "hello mudder"  I said hi, and he replied with "I see Alden left his breakfast on my desk."  It took every bit of my willpower not to scream "I DONT FUCKING CARE".  I'm cracking up.

I feel like, I can't keep up at this level.  I don't ever want to feel like "I DON'T FUCKING CARE" to Alden, Luiz, Irv or anyone.  It's damaging to our relationship.  But, my "give a shit" meter is full, and it's full of minutia.   Like, I do care when Luiz needs my help with the camera, so he can take pictures, because it's fundemental to his whole artist career.  I do very much care, about Alden's day, and his success in school both academically and socially.  I do totally care about Irv's peace of mind and happiness, because well, shit, it't extremely important to me and to all of us.  I...

see...this is how it's happening.  I was about to write about what about me is important to me, but the minute I get to that part...Alden walks in with a friend, and the friend's father in tow, having brought them both home from school.  It was a very weird moment.  Irv just walked in and started grilling me about the situation, and all the stuff I was gonna say just zonked out of my head.  The whole situation is extremely depressing and overwhelming to me, and I'm now having a very hard time not to cry.  As soon as I am done typing this sentence, I will compose myself, and go fill Irv in on why there's a strange child in the house, and why there was a strange man here 3 minutes ago.