This keeps boinging around in my head:

"People don't have to be nice to you just because you order them to."

This is fundamentally what's wrong with my mother. She thinks she can treat people any way she feels like treating them (which is usually like shit, let's get that straight) and because she's...I don't know, her, that everyone automatically needs to respect her, and be kind to her.  It's the worst kind of entitlement.  That's what I'm facing and fighting.  I think that's a theme that stretches back in my life, back to early childhood.  Demanding respect, while simultaneously slapping me in the face, both figuratively and literally.  Demanding kindness and care for herself, while giving back nothing but negativity and abuse.

This is what makes my stomach flip into knots.  This is what brings out pure, unmitigated hate.  This is what makes me angry.  This is what makes me cry furious tears.  This is what makes me watch her walk down my driveway, and not feel too upset if I see the last of her.

Then, on the other hand, she's my mother, and I'm the last person in the world that she has, so I naturally feel protective towards her.  But, she knows I'm it. She knows I'm all the family she's got.  She knows I'm the only person in the world that gives a shit about her.  So, why does she treat me like she does?  Because she has done it like this for my whole life, and because I have let her.

I'm still dealing with this.  I guess it took more than one blog entry.