I know, looking at all the physical posts here, leads one to believe that I'm lax about blogging. Not true. Every day, at work, when I have idle time, I compose and ponder, and think long, blogworthy thoughts. Then I come home, with the intention to commit them to screen, and I get distracted. Then, either my time is taken up elsewhere, or those great thoughts don't seem worth typing out.
...Argh....
Ok, I stopped typing there, and got distracted. Irv woke up and called me upstairs. Here four hours later, after having a decidedly pleasant morning of making love, going out to lunch, shopping, and coming home, I can't for the life of me, pick up that train of thought again. I really had something. Well, let's call this a step in the right direction, an acknowledgement, of sorts. Better luck tomorrow!
Oct 19, 2010
Oct 12, 2010
Wrapped in Cotton
Indifference. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? When I become indifferent about something, or worse yet, someone, it's mainly because I have exhausted all manner of coping with that thing. It's good for me, because it saves my sanity. When I mull over, cope with, get upset about, agonize over something, till the horse is dead and bloody, and I can beat it no more...and still, there's no resolution, I become indifferent. It's all I got.
In the darkest times growing up, Indifference for myself, indifference towards "loved ones" indifference in general, has helped me to retain my sanity. It's not selfishness, ignorance, or apathy, it's a controlled "ok, this isn't good, and I can't fix it, so fuck it". When I cease to get emotional about some situation or someone, it'a kind of a release. It's also seen the end of many friendships and relationships, when I simply can't muster a care anymore, when the patterns are so striking and so dead-end, that I feel like nothing I can say or do will help...then all that's left is to stop giving any kind of shit at all. I feel the muscles in my face turn a certain way, almost all straight lines. I turn into a shrugging, blank, apathetic wall of "don't give a shit". It's not some front, either, although often it starts out that way. I say "I don't give a shit" over and over, in dealing with something, till...well, till I really don't, through every bit of my being. It's not something I plan, or bring on consciously. I've felt it turn around, though, like once the indifference kicks in, if things really start getting better, then I feel more like my "old self". It's gotten me get past rage, and past love, and through everything. Wrapped in my thick dense armor of indifference, I am whole, sane, and moving through life.
I hate that. It's saved my own life and sanity, but I still hate it, when I really analyze these feelings and my own coping mechanisms, I really do hate my natural predilections for not giving a shit. I don't know how else to go, when the indifference kicks in, though. Maybe I'll learn something better some day.
I feel it coming on, again.
In the darkest times growing up, Indifference for myself, indifference towards "loved ones" indifference in general, has helped me to retain my sanity. It's not selfishness, ignorance, or apathy, it's a controlled "ok, this isn't good, and I can't fix it, so fuck it". When I cease to get emotional about some situation or someone, it'a kind of a release. It's also seen the end of many friendships and relationships, when I simply can't muster a care anymore, when the patterns are so striking and so dead-end, that I feel like nothing I can say or do will help...then all that's left is to stop giving any kind of shit at all. I feel the muscles in my face turn a certain way, almost all straight lines. I turn into a shrugging, blank, apathetic wall of "don't give a shit". It's not some front, either, although often it starts out that way. I say "I don't give a shit" over and over, in dealing with something, till...well, till I really don't, through every bit of my being. It's not something I plan, or bring on consciously. I've felt it turn around, though, like once the indifference kicks in, if things really start getting better, then I feel more like my "old self". It's gotten me get past rage, and past love, and through everything. Wrapped in my thick dense armor of indifference, I am whole, sane, and moving through life.
I hate that. It's saved my own life and sanity, but I still hate it, when I really analyze these feelings and my own coping mechanisms, I really do hate my natural predilections for not giving a shit. I don't know how else to go, when the indifference kicks in, though. Maybe I'll learn something better some day.
I feel it coming on, again.
Oct 3, 2010
Happy Day!
So, my misgivings were for naught. We went to Phil and Danielle's wedding, and it was a great thing. The first person I saw, going in the place was Phil standing outside and getting air, and the first thing he said to me, before even "hi" was "Lisa, seriously, I've been joking. It's irony or something, don't worry, I'm doing great." And seeing him face to face, I believe it. Sometimes, I just have to see people to understand, and seeing them yesterday, I finally understand.
I have worried about Phil giving up his identity. That's been my prime worry, that Phil's become so much "Danielle's Husband" that he's swapping his general Philness for it. As I see him yesterday, in that role, rising to it, being her rock, her comforting steadfast husband, I realized...this is what he needs. He needs to be needed, and for as much as she bosses him around, she really truly needs him. It's not a loss of identity, it's a change, and don't we all change when we get married? It's stepping from one place, one less mature, more self centered, place, into an identity where you're part of a whole working active thing. I think he had a lot of parts missing or not fully developed, in his psyche, even moreso since his mother passed, and moving into this stage of life has helped him develop and fill these hollows.
I had a lot more thoughts on this, when I woke up this morning, but generally puttering around the house, making soup, doing laundry, and playing with the pets has somewhat dimmed my original epiphanies. Suffice to say, going to the wedding, seeing the two of them, and (most of) the family come together, feeling the vibes...left me very happy for the couple, indeed.
I have worried about Phil giving up his identity. That's been my prime worry, that Phil's become so much "Danielle's Husband" that he's swapping his general Philness for it. As I see him yesterday, in that role, rising to it, being her rock, her comforting steadfast husband, I realized...this is what he needs. He needs to be needed, and for as much as she bosses him around, she really truly needs him. It's not a loss of identity, it's a change, and don't we all change when we get married? It's stepping from one place, one less mature, more self centered, place, into an identity where you're part of a whole working active thing. I think he had a lot of parts missing or not fully developed, in his psyche, even moreso since his mother passed, and moving into this stage of life has helped him develop and fill these hollows.
I had a lot more thoughts on this, when I woke up this morning, but generally puttering around the house, making soup, doing laundry, and playing with the pets has somewhat dimmed my original epiphanies. Suffice to say, going to the wedding, seeing the two of them, and (most of) the family come together, feeling the vibes...left me very happy for the couple, indeed.
Oct 1, 2010
October Weddings!
I'm having this weird and pleasant doubling sensation. Michele got married six years ago, and we spent months putting together our outfits, and getting ready to celebrate with her. Phil's getting married tomorrow, and as I slid on the fishnets, I had this total deja vu. I fucking love fishnets, they never fail to make me feel sexy and empowered, like I'm slipping into my Scarlet Woman wardrobe. It's fun playing dress up. Once the fun of all that was over, the doubling sensation disappears, and the weirdness comes out. Phil's been posting weird shit on his FB all day, sounding not like someone who's about to become happily married, no joyous gushing and general excitement...but more like dread, bitterness, and he sounds, for a wonder, like someone just getting out of a terrible relationship. We're not exactly going to share the love and celebratory nature, and the joy of a truly awesome union. With the way Phil's been going on about things...I just don't get that vibe whatsoever. Honestly...we're going for the trainwreck value, the Jerry Springer fun, and hoping to catch the off chance of any meltdowns. I truly wish them the happiest and most positive vibes and the joy of their union...only I just now checked out Phil's online status reports from the past week...and they *seriously* read like a man going to his death sentence. Not even in a ha-ha, funny, ball and chain kind of way, but there's honest to god dread. Such a difference from the last October wedding.
Well, it should be interesting, tomorrow, to say the least. No matter what comes, I'm gonna look smokin fucking hot. Now, let's hope Luiz drives, so I can drink myself into a giggly mess, and say goofy and awkward things.
Well, it should be interesting, tomorrow, to say the least. No matter what comes, I'm gonna look smokin fucking hot. Now, let's hope Luiz drives, so I can drink myself into a giggly mess, and say goofy and awkward things.
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