Something about getting high on a Saturday morning makes me check all my email dilligently.  Then I stumble across one from Good Vibrations. They're having a sale.  Suddenly, it doesn't seem strange to blow $50 on anal toys, to get free shipping.  I actually sat there and contemplated it for a long few minutes.

This keeps boinging around in my head:

"People don't have to be nice to you just because you order them to."

This is fundamentally what's wrong with my mother. She thinks she can treat people any way she feels like treating them (which is usually like shit, let's get that straight) and because she's...I don't know, her, that everyone automatically needs to respect her, and be kind to her.  It's the worst kind of entitlement.  That's what I'm facing and fighting.  I think that's a theme that stretches back in my life, back to early childhood.  Demanding respect, while simultaneously slapping me in the face, both figuratively and literally.  Demanding kindness and care for herself, while giving back nothing but negativity and abuse.

This is what makes my stomach flip into knots.  This is what brings out pure, unmitigated hate.  This is what makes me angry.  This is what makes me cry furious tears.  This is what makes me watch her walk down my driveway, and not feel too upset if I see the last of her.

Then, on the other hand, she's my mother, and I'm the last person in the world that she has, so I naturally feel protective towards her.  But, she knows I'm it. She knows I'm all the family she's got.  She knows I'm the only person in the world that gives a shit about her.  So, why does she treat me like she does?  Because she has done it like this for my whole life, and because I have let her.

I'm still dealing with this.  I guess it took more than one blog entry.

The week has been weird.  Today has been really weird. Well, that's not fair either, it's a fairly normal day, till she showed up.  My mother was here.  We had to kick her out of the house, and now she's sad.

She comes here while I'm on the phone, and hangs around.  That's fine. So, when I get off the phone, she chats me up about her usual bullshit, the house, money, insurance. She's nosy and bossy, like normal, but I can field that.  Last time she was here, she was just plain nasty to everyone, and I haven't forgotten.  She talks about wanting a smartphone, so I encourage her to get a Windows phone which is absolutely dummy proof, and has all the features she needs.  But she cuts me off, and goes on and on to say that they guy at the Verizon store thinks she should not only get a phone, but also a tablet, and all this horseshit.  I asked if she really needed all that, because she also has a laptop and a desktop.  She's like "but I want something to keep me busy when I'm sitting in Perth Amboy!"  So, I tried explaining what wifi is, and how a tablet needs wifi, and she kept cutting me off, so I said "fine, you're right. You're absolutely right, you know best what you want."  And I was prepared to end it there.

Then she started shouting. I let her shout at me.  I maintained that she's right, and nothing I can say or do would ever sway her.  Luiz just told me, in watching that, I went out of my way to be peaceful to her.  Luiz interjected at one point by saying "even if you ask for her opinion, nothing Lisa says or has said at least since I've known you has ever changed your mind."  So, she starts shouting at Luiz.  Luiz was like "are you paying bills in this house? What have you done for us lately that gives you a right to yell at us?"  Something like that.  Anyway, it escalated, and she was being really nasty to Luiz, and I walked her out the door.  I calmly explained, while she was still yelling, that she comes here with a chip on her shoulder, on some war path, and she treats Alden and Luiz like shit, and they don't have to take it, and neither do I.  I explained that I don't hate her, and she's free to call or stop by any time, if she feels like being civil, but she doesn't have the fucking right to push around anyone in my household.  She went on about how Alden disrespects her, and I ended the conversation with, "Listen.  If you're not nice to Alden, he doesn't have to listen to you.  Period.  You treat him like shit, don't expect him to be receptive in any way.  I dealt with your shit when I was his age, because I had to. You treated me like shit, and I was forced to respect you because you're my mother, but you're not his mother, and he doesn't have to take shit from you."

I try to do right by him. I try to teach him he doesn't need to take shit from anyone, if they don't respect him.  I spent too many years of my life being mentally and physically abused, and I'm not gonna lie, I'm still damaged.  I work every day in small ways to fix myself, but I feel like my energy is best spent raising Alden not to be damaged and abused and walked all over, by people.  Love your grandmother when she's loving, but when she's abusive, you don't have to take it. Always love her, because she's family, but walk away when she starts her shit.  I've been working my whole life for that.  I still take her shit.

I feel shaken at having to confront her like that, but I'm turning over a new leaf.  My house has been the site of a lot of negativity lately, and I'm taking huge steps to clean it out.  I don't need her shoveling more of it on us.

Normally, this would send me flying to my bottle of vodka, to steady the old nerves, but I think I'm turning a corner on drinking, too.  After last weekend, I'm dialing it back.  I've been drinking far too much, far too often, and I think it's because I'm dealing with some unresolved issues, lots of anger, and fuck...it's just easier, when all this stuff surfaces, to just party the issues away.  I suppose that should be its own whole blog post.

Right now, I'm hungry, mentally and physically exhausted, and tired of people's shit.