I'm ok at home.  I'm ok at work.  I'm marginally ok out in the world, socializing.  I figured out where I'm not ok.  Driving to and from work.  At home my brain is always engaged, from the minute I get up to long after I go to bed, and pass out from exhaustion, I always keep mundane distracting things front and center so I am not alone with my thoughts.  Cooking, cleaning, shopping, gaming, reddit, reading, writing, tarot, focusing on my customers and helping them work through their problems, studying, crafting...  But as soon as I slam that car door, it's just me and the road, and music.  And then I burst into tears.  Like fucking clockwork.  My car is parked in the driveway, so as I'm backing down the driveway, I'm staring at the insurmountable object of pain and heartache.  Every fucking workday.  I am getting sick of showing up at work all puffy and snotty.  I've taken to keeping eye makeup in the car, for the inevitable repairs.

I am so not ok, these days.  It's a struggle to get out of bed, every day, then more of a struggle to accomplish anything.  If I have to leave the house or otherwise socialize, I need at least 3 hours to mentally prepare, and I mean stupid shit like going to the laundromat.  Seeing friends is hard, I feel like I have nothing to ever talk about, and I've been such a downer lately, that I can't imagine anyone wanting to hang out anyway. I've become fragile.  Today, after a good car-sob, I mustered my shit and got to work.  Susan was here, and I haven't seen her in over a month, she asked me how the house is going, and I tried, I swear, I tried to hold it together, and tell her the latest very bad news, just the facts, no emotion...and I burst into tears.  Right here in the shop, in front of customers.  I just went from composed and chatty to a fucking snotty crying mess. Nothing is good.

I feel like I'm losing myself.  I feel like I've already lost it.  Whatever "it" is.