What the Fuck?

May have had a full blown anxiety attack, today.  I woke up feeling sort of punchy today, and besides work (which was awesome) there was just a series of minor setbacks, frustrations, and difficulties that compounded, and added, and heaped. Normally I just roll, flow, ebb, go, and handle it, whatever it may be.  Today, every little frustration, every unplanned thing, every monkey wrench just sent me further along, till by the end of the day I was sort of stumbling around, going through the motions, my chest hurt as though I were punched, I couldn't take a deep breath, my cheeks felt hot, my eyeballs felt like they were going to launch themselves right out of the sockets, and the skin on my face felt drum tight.  I thought I was just feeling "weird".  On impulse, I took a Xanax.  Within 20 minutes, all those symptoms all the weird off feelings faded away, and I was more myself.  More alert, in tune with my surroundings, and of course, way more relaxed.

I don't like that.

Lots of little things crashing in.  The house and it's zillion pressures (cleaning it out, the monetary investment, Kenny's desperation, the dirt, the broken things, the neglect, the fact that we have to find places for all of our stuff., and everything else), Irv's house anxiety as projected on me, Luiz's house anxiety for a whole different set of reasons, the rest of his psychoses, which can be draining to deal with, every day, my budding tarot business and all the little things related to it, Schuyler visiting soon, Alden's shitty grades, Alden maybe not making it to the seventh grade with all those implications, all the plans for every weekend till the end of the world, money, things, this, that, fuckall, it's driving me crazy. Seriously crazy.  Clinically crazy.  Anxiety attack crazy.

At least I've been sleeping. I don't know how well, because even after 8 hours, I still wake up feeling like shit, and groggy.

I need...something. I want to say I need to go camping, but all this shit and more will be waiting when I come back from the woods, so it's not exactly that. Not this time.  I just need to take each day in measured steps, and try not to freak out too much.