It feels good to be living an open and honest life, free from fear of judgement, persecution, and rejection. It's not something I talk about in public places, but it's good to be "out of the closet" about our life together. We kept it very secret, concealing and dissembling for years, out of fear of the above. In the past 8 months, we've decided to just live life, and not quite advertise our status, but not seek to cover it up either. Let people think what they think, and answer questions that come openly and honestly. Luiz has taken things a little further with his family, doing like Luiz does, and just telling them flat-out, that we're all together. Which, at first, I felt weird about, but now not only am I ok with it, but feel downright good about things.
I've been dancing around writing something like this for a long time. I try to make it a point not to dwell, speculate, or gossip. I vow never to talk shit about this woman, to anyone. It's not my way, to continue hate. However, I do need to get it off my chest, here, in my little world. I need to tell the truth in my own way, as it affects me, and as I see it.
Luiz's mother is not coping well, with our familial development. I feel enormous hate and jealousy from her, like a beacon, just waves and emanations of black hatred. She's saying we're Satanic. She says I encorcelled him and cast evil Satanic spells to seduce her boy, and that he's just a parasite living with us, using us, and we're using him. I wish I could live up to the powerful sorceress dominatrix sexual demon wrangling Jezebel she paints me as. She's preaching this vitriol to whoever listens, and repeats these hate-mantras to herself. She's gotten herself so worked up about us, she can't even bear the thought of her niece or sister visiting us. She berates attacks, and grills other family members as to what we're doing, how we're doing, what's going on in my house, creating divisiveness in her own family, over the idea of me, and my household (oh, to have such power over a person, not a day goes by that she doesn't think about me. A hate so saturated it mirrors love. If I weren't a Nice Girl, I would use that to my advantage.)
So, that's Mom. She's a fucking peach. A peach being consumed from within by a worm in sheep's clothing. It's something we have been trying to help Luiz cope with, and help him sort through every day. Always Love. Love is the Law, and we've been talking it over, and how to best deal with this woman that turns Love into an instrument of her own manipulative, power hungry hate. It's hard for a son, who's mother has had such encompassing power over him, to accept, cope, and move on, or hope to reach through all that poison to find the human mother that he loves well, and that claims to love him. But, we're trying, by God. Love for him, and compassion for his situation causes me to stop and really try to help him work through all this. Usually, I'd be all "oh, fuck them. Fuck them, and I hope they all die with their intestines running out of their assholes. Fucking haters."
I feel slight remorse for being such a wellspring of divisiveness in his family's lives. Also, I feel a bit blindsided. I'd be lying if I said confused, because I know precisely what's going on here. For my part, I never meant it to be this way, I have often invited her to my house, and made overtures, to draw the family closer. Before she knew, we chatted on the phone often, wrote back and forth, she's had my son as a guest in her house for days on end, and she's come here with her younger children, to eat and enjoy good company. She loved us. Before. Luiz is part of our family, and has been accepted as such, invited to all gatherings, loved, and cherished as yet another oddball in our tiny little family group. My mother harangues him and bosses him about like she does her own brood, collectively calling us "The Kids". On our side, nothing's changed.
I could never hope for the same, from her, only just a bit less hate, and a smidge more acceptance, is all I want for him. For myself? It wouldn't be so bad if she and her two lovely lambikins sons, got sealed in a capsule, and shot to the center of the sun...well, that's the nicest thing I can say. I won't even get started on Luiz's brother, because I can't really speak of the dude without saying "self righteous snotbag" and "swimming in a filthy fishbowl of his own stagnant piss.", and really, there's no love. So, with Love, I just move on. Some people, like Luiz's brother, are destined to wallow in their own stinking fishbowl, and that seems to be the whole story, for that kid. I hope I eat my words, one day.
That's the hate. To move on to the Love, I had to get that right out of the way.
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