Wrapped in Cotton

Indifference.  Is it a good thing or a bad thing?  When I become indifferent about something, or worse yet, someone, it's mainly because I have exhausted all manner of coping with that thing.  It's good for me, because it saves my sanity.  When I mull over, cope with, get upset about, agonize over something, till the horse is dead and bloody, and I can beat it no more...and still, there's no resolution, I become indifferent.  It's all I got.

 In the darkest times growing up, Indifference for myself, indifference towards "loved ones" indifference in general, has helped me to retain my sanity.  It's not selfishness, ignorance, or apathy, it's a controlled "ok, this isn't good, and I can't fix it, so fuck it".  When I cease to get emotional about some situation  or someone, it'a kind of a release.  It's also seen the end of many friendships and relationships, when I simply can't muster a care anymore, when the patterns are so striking and so dead-end, that I feel like nothing I can say or do will help...then all that's left is to stop giving any kind of shit at all.  I feel the muscles in my face turn a certain way, almost all straight lines.  I turn into a shrugging, blank, apathetic wall of "don't give a shit".  It's not some front, either, although often it starts out that way.  I say "I don't give a shit" over and over, in dealing with something, till...well, till I really don't, through every bit of my being.  It's not something I plan, or bring on consciously.  I've felt it turn around, though, like once the indifference kicks in, if things really start getting better, then I feel more like my "old self".  It's gotten me get past rage, and past love, and through everything.  Wrapped in my thick dense armor of indifference, I am whole, sane, and moving through life.

I hate that.  It's saved my own life and sanity, but I still hate it, when I really analyze these feelings and my own coping mechanisms, I really do hate my natural predilections for not giving a shit.  I don't know how else to go, when the indifference kicks in, though.  Maybe I'll learn something better some day.

I feel it coming on, again.