Last Malodor, I promise

So, today I got to see the last girl, Jeanie, and she's still on the Malodor panel, too.  According to her, Jeff said there she made a lot of small mistakes, but now that she knows what to do, she can continue improving and working on things.  Crazy, right?  I make one good mistake, and maybe a few other tiny discrepancies, but nothing Jian or Nima would bat an eyeball at, and I get cut.  He said to Christine that they'd be cutting a lot of people after the new year, and screening for more, which is a minor comfort, if it's true.  Chris said she'd keep me posted.

I think this is still in my mind, because I really felt like my data was good, even if the panel wasn't exactly my favorite thing.  I am really wondering how can I have perfect results in dose, his words-not mine, damn good results in taste (even the smelling part of taste, if that makes sense) and still bomb this enough that I was the only one that got kicked off. Did he go on raw data?  Was he going on longterm data, or just last Tuesday's test? Did he go on some other trend or observation?  I hate this not knowing why feeling.  I hate the feeling of really trying, and coming up short, with no real explanation.

This is fertile ground for the whatifs.  What if he just didn't like me?  What if it was some other reason?  What if he glossed over my mistakes, and I well and truly shitted it up?   Then there's the sense of discomfort I felt moving around people.  Being fat, edging down a hallway moving in and about 4 postage stamp sized rooms with nine other women at the same time, made me really uncomfortable, but I stuck with it, overcoming my awkwardness.  My solution was simply to hang back, and let everyone go ahead of me, so I was most assuredly not blocking anyone or in anyone's way.  What if he observed that, and was like "this girl is a clumsy mess."  Because I felt like a clumsy mess, trying to dodge and weave, and still do my actual job.  Being judged on something besides my raw numbers is enough to send me spinning back to middle school anxiety.

Now that that's all off my chest, I'm going to move on from this. I have a lot of unanswered questions, but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter.  I'm going to keep my ear to the ground, to see if any more panels come up, like blotters, flavor, skin, or diffusivity.  I still feel like, in spite of this, I'm good at my job, and I still have a lot to offer.