Redux

I'm back doing it.  I'm back on Spark.  Not with the full rushing headlong motivation I had when I joined in 2009.  With a bit of trepidation and curiosity.  My sugar has been out of control. There, I wrote it.

This time around, my mentality isn't hardcore weight loss, not like last time.  I really need to get my sugar in check.  I tracked, with 100% honesty, everything I ate and drank today, and I checked in well under my calorie and carb goal.  It was surprising and quite satisfying, to say the least.  I let the program determine what might be good for me, this time, rather than setting harsh unrealistic unmaintainable goals. That's what was going on last time.  I found it easy to eat 1200 calories a day, at the outset, and I felt very proud of myself, that fat, "overzealous" Lisa, can eat the bare minimum and be satisfied.  It was fine till I started exercising vigorously five days a week.  Then I became starving, anxious, and I was really fucking up my metabolism.  Naturally, I crashed and burned.  Well, it was slow.  First it was "bah, we're going on vacation, let's not bother tracking."  Then, it was "well, between bronchitis and the holidays, no way we're getting to that gym". Then, "it IS Christmas, after all, sure, I'll have another drink."

Then we started hanging around the bar.  Four, five, six beers in a night.  A cheeseburger.  Chips.  Lots of chips.  That's when the real crashing happened.  Then, comes barbecue season, and beer...and well, it's been a hell of a year.  I lost 66 pounds in six months, and gained back forty of them over the year of 2010. I know I've been gaining.  I still step on the scale.  I watch that needle slide further over.  It was my year of excess, and here I am with all this collateral damage on my body.  My legs feel nervy and weird all the time.  My feet itch at night.  My skin looks thin and unhealthy, and my muscles aren't toned, like they were.

Luiz reminds me of the supernal Love.  To Love my body.  It means more than looking in the mirror and being self critical, and more than just loving how I look in certain jeans.  It means loving it like I love anything, and caring for it, like I care for anything.

I think this is the right time.