Yesterday, I had tons of energy, and put it to good use. Last night as I was going over my to-do lists, I scratched many things off, and felt a BEAMING sense of accomplishment, one that will stay with me for a long time.  I made a fresh to-do list last night, for today.  Pretty much b-grade stuff that is neither pressing nor time sensitive.  Stuff like "get the dog hair out of all the fans in the house".  I was all energetic to go to the grocery store...but really we just need milk.  I stayed in bed till Luiz got home from IFF, and usually when he gets home and finds me laying down or half dressed, he will meet me on that level, and get naked...and then of course, the to-do list is wholly fucked, and we just spend the morning/early afternoon in bed.  We needed this today, and I could frame it as abject laziness, but the truth is, we haven't had a day to just be together in about two weeks.  The reality is, we needed intimacy, we needed naked time, we needed time to talk and process the past few weeks, and just have no other distractions but each other.  The sex is always...always amazing.

I have complained at length about Luiz in these pages, but days like today remind me that he's 150% worth every tear.  There is literally no one in this whole universe that makes me feel more loved, no one makes me feel sexier.  And not just with words.  Sure, he tells me how beautiful I am, how hot, how much he wants me.  But...the way he looks at me...that's where it is.  I feel it.  I can hear things a thousand times, but it's all platitudes.  It's nice.  But ultimately, anyone can say anything, and not mean it.  But he looks at me in such a way, like he's in awe of me.  He will drink every bit of me in.  He will look at every part of me from my fucked up hair, to my big fat belly, to my long muscular legs...and visually appreciate every single part of me, even when I, myself, feel hideous.   He will look at me like he's starving, and I am the last morsel of food in the world, and he's just gonna swallow me whole.  It's a little predatory, when he's turned on, when the energy is right.  I've never had anyone look at me quite like that, not Irv, no one.  It's a little scary, for me, because I have never been ok with being looked at.  But when he looks at me with such love, adoration, tenderness... then with such hunger... And then he ACTS on it.  He gets to work worshiping every single part of me, in his own way.  He doesn't shy away from any part of me. And I respond in kind, giving up every square inch of me.  Nothing is sacred, because everything is.  He manages to elevate a quick Thursday morning bang...into CHURCH.

Well.  I'll say this.  Everyone should be looked at like that at least once in their life.  It's fucking hot.

I used to feel guilty about spending the morning in bed with him.   Like in doing that, I was shirking other nebulous duties.  Responsible people don't loaf around in bed till noon! Good girls don't do that. Shut the fuck up, Mom. I am 100% fine with my schedule.

I talk a lot about my self image issues, and those I have a lot of.  I didn't start this blog out with this in mind, but a lot of the stuff we talked about after marathon amazing sex, was just that.  I told him how he makes me feel, like I AM gorgeous, I am amazing.  He's didn't get it.  Because to him I just am those things.  He said,  "I'm not making you feel anything. You are those things, and I just respond to it."  Honestly, just typing it out makes me teary-eyed.  

It's hard not to juxtapose his genuine feelings towards me, to another situation that's recently folded in my life.  Years of being told "I love you, I care about you" and nothing but skittish averted eyes, or dead forward facing gaze. It's easy to internalize, as though I am so unappealing to even look at or touch.   Lucky for me, those feelings were also easy super easy to get over.  Hot greasy buttsex helps.