I wasn't sure whether to put this here or in Spinning, so in here it goes. I seem to bitch a lot here (well, on all of my blogs, really, even the seemingly innocent gaming blog.) so, I feel like this could be more positive.
Saturday, Gina came over, and we went out to lunch. She likes talking, and I like listening to her, and we often talk about things that are beyond the mundane. Every time we spend a great deal of time together, I feel like there's a grand exchange of ideas, and I always come away with some new knowledge, or insights. I wish I could help her sort out her life, a little better. I think that listening, and going out for ice cream, and keeping things away from intense relationship talk, or freaking out about her situation, or shit talking her almost ex boyfriend, is important. She probably gets that from other friends, and it's not really my place. She probably thinks about that stuff enough, and it's nice just to detach and talk about how pretty that honey calcite stone is, or how gamma waves launch us into some otherspace. Spending upwards of 14 hours together seems like it could be exhausting, but it actually wasn't. It was pleasant.
Then, yesterday, after spending the day with my mom and Earl, taking them out for a belated birthday dinner, I got into sweats and planned on vegging the rest of my meager Sunday. Then Steve came over. I really genuinely like Steve. Even though we disagree on just about everything, superficially, I feel like he has a good heart, he's smart, funny, and really deserves a break. He hung out here for about four hours, and unburdened his heart. He kept asking if that was ok, if he was bugging me, apologizing for taking my time. I wouldn't agree to it if I didn't want to. At one point, he looked at me and said "you're everybody's rock, aren't you."
I don't know that I'm *that* but for whatever reason, people seek me out and talk to me. I don't offer unsolicited advice, or any at all, sometimes. I listen. I listen and empathize. Sometimes, I bring out the cards, and help them gain insight. I think merely listening is a rare thing. I feel happy, like it's a good thing for me, and for my friends that I can offer myself. It's part of my True Will. Irv looks at me askance, and sighs, when I'm on the phone for two hours listening to a friend's woes. I never trivialize them, nothing shocks me, and I don't judge, and I don't blab. Somehow, I get that my True Will has something to do with helping one or more people to greatness. I feel blessed, totally absolutely blessed in my life, and if I can help people find insight and realize that they're blessed too, or help them see through the veils of bullshit to understand more about existence, life, love, co-existence, intimacy, whatever, then it's only right that I do. Not try, I don't TRY to help, or insinuate myself, or offer, but I'll never turn down a friend, no matter what hour or reason.
Not everyone, either. Some people will talk forever and I sense that it's some sort of mental masturbation, and that I am a non-entity. Some people are acting out this tremendous Drama Of Life, like some low rent reality show, and I'm merely an audience member. That my essential Lisa-ness is not a part of their interaction with me. I seek to close down those situations, fast. That sets up unhealthy expectations. There have been people in my life, like that, and it took a while to cut them away, people that have swallowed up my whole identity, and personality, and I may as well have been a stuffed doll. Harriet (guest star of Epiphany for years) was one of those types. I'm really glad that there's no one around like that, now. Being "everyone's rock" is my way of giving back to the people that I love, and to the Universe, but there's a danger in being "everyone's doormat" too.
Today, after devoting an entire weekend to others, I'm taking this day for myself. People have expectations of me, today. Errands, chores, social duties, and I'll get to them as I see fit. Today, I'm listening to music I love, reading and writing, and being selfishly indulgent with my time. It's the balance.
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