I'm on my netbook, so this will be full of errors, I'm sure.  I always write out the bad stuff, so that when I look back over the years, it seems like life is full of tragedy.  And, sometimes, it is.  But, we've had such a complete and total turn around, and it's so powerful and complete, I must write about it.

In that moment of choice.  In that moment of freedom, where I laid down my first, last and only ultimatum "From now on, no matter what, you will never hide anything from me, or lie to me, no matter how petty, or else we can't be together".  I laid it on the line, which was the hardest thing I've ever done.  I've never been the "my way or the highway" type, but that's what it had to be, to build back up.  And in that naked moment, he could have hated me for being controlling, or he he could just turn himself around entirely and come to me on my terms for the first time since we met.  I freed him to seek out his own life.  I gave him my blessings to go and be his own man, without me.  In that moment, he came to me, free of resentment, free of vitriol and the best yet, free of secrets and that poisonous projection, and apologized.  Genuinely.  For the first time in 10 years, I saw all the way down to his soul, and knew he meant it.  And in that moment, I began to love him a little.  I felt wary, because of the previous lies, but over some very intense days of talking, really talking about the important shit, the feelings, the dark parts, the stuff he'd been hiding for so many years, feeling his earnestness.  Watching him struggle with the telling.  Seeing his tears, seemingly random.  My heart thawed.

And, in doing so, I felt, for the first time in over a year...happy.  Truly happy, like myself again.  My little half smile is back.  I didn't even know it was gone, till Connie pointed it out.  All those silly cliches are right.  The sun is shinging brighter.  The bird are chirping.  All the rest of the stuff in my life, the shitshow that is Vintage and the house drama...pff.  It's back where it belongs.  On the sidelines.  Not stripping me every day sucking my will to live. My happiness doesn't rely on him, actually.  It comes from the fact that I could seize control of my feelings, and actually break up with him.  I actually ended it.  And the world didn't end.  I didn't die.  The house didn't fall down.  I've experienced the full measure, length and breadth of the worst pain in my life, losing my soulmate.  And, I lived.  Nothing is gonna break me down, now.  Seriously.  There are few things in the world that can even come close to that sort of earth shattering revelation.  I actually feel like a new person, myself.

We're moving forward.  We never did define what we are.  We casually refer to each other as husband and wife.  We've never sworn an oath, took any vows, or even really defined what we mean to each other.  Soulmates, twin flames, blah blah all meaningless, without some gravitas.  Some sort of framework to remind us who we are.  So, we're moving towards some sort of understanding.

I realized that I was over whatever was depressing me, when I looked at a half finished art project sitting here on my desk, and started composing again.  I put on one of my favorite bands, sat here at the shop cleaning, arranging, singing along, and gaining momentum.  I'm now filled with new ideas and ambitions, and that's the way my head SHOULD feel.