Fuck.

I gotta write through this.

I have to.  Or else I am going to sit here listening to Adele songs, and crying till I have a seizure. Or an asthma attack like yesterday.

It's very hard to be a bad guy.  It is very hard to do the necessary thing.  I have been sitting up every night from, about midnight to four, sobbing uncontrollably.  Ugly crying.

Right doesn't mean easy.  Right, in this case, is maybe the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I keep trying to convince myself that I did the wrong thing and I should take it back.  I did the right thing.  And it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  And I am turning myself inside out.  Only in the deep privacy of late night.  I can't find anywhere else to cry.  I never thought I would be crying. alone.  in my room.  The truth does a lot of things.  But it definitely doesn't set you free, not right away anyway.

I thought I recently went through the hardest thing.  That was but a mere dress rehearsal.

I keep telling myself that this is part of the process, and it's healthy.  I made this decision.  I am going to own it.  I do own it.  I need to feel every bit of the pain.  This is not fine.  This is fine.

I think I need to talk to somebody. But I don't have the words.  I don't even have the right person to talk to anymore.

These fucking lyrics.  I can't.  I'm so stupid right now, I am just listening to this song and crying.  So I came here to break the cycle, and I am still crying.

I read that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett are getting divorced after 17 years, and then like an hour later I read that Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are splitting after like 10 years.   I thought, half jokingly to myself "omg love is dead."



Maybe it is.  I don't even know what else to say.

I am still too exhausted to compose right now.  Today was to be a rest-day, the first one in a very long time, but once again Luiz hears "rest day" and becomes a stage-five clinger.  And, if following me around the house and interrupting my every thought with banal conversation isn't bad enough, he goes and brings up a very very very sore issue. 

I was sitting out in the sun, with a book and a cup of coffee.  He sat down next to me, and started a fight. Like, it couldn't be clearer.  "What's the worst thing I could talk about right now?  What sore spot,  that I can bring up out of the blue will do the most damage?  AHA that's it."  And I stupidly went along, thinking at first he could be mature enough to have a discussion.  But I should know, any time he does this, it's simply because he thinks he's got more to say on it, no matter how I feel.  And if he has more to say, then he's not happy about the resolution.  He brought up the weed fairy painting, because he wants to put it up on his site, and he was testing the waters. He wasn't casually starting a discussion.

When he sat down, I said "today is my 'leave-me-alone' day.  I don't want to talk. I want to relax".  I don't know why I trusted him to even sit.  My first mistake was staying out there, but I made such a nice spot for myself.  I made such a comfortable little space, I had my feet up, a nice cup of coffee, a book that I have been meaning to read for months, and no plans for the day.  Now, I'm sad, shaking, angry, and this day is entirely shot.  I am not relaxing.  I have two hours before Irv comes home, and the next two hours, I will be trying to calm the fuck down, and seething.  Then I have to cook dinner, and take care of the house and Irv.  

I had four fucking hours today.  That's all I asked for.

Damage. Done.

So, I came back inside.  Vented here.  Tackled a bunch of house and work emails. Maybe I'll get lucky tomorrow.  Maybe since I did all the shit right now that I put time aside for tomorrow, maybe tomorrow I'll get my four hours.

I doubt it.

I have been remiss with my daily updates.  I have a lot to talk about, though, but sometimes I get so busy living life I forget to write.

First, here's today's selfie.  It's what I have to work with, dahling.  Looks like it's time to dye my roots.  Also, too hot for makeup today, so it's literally lipstick and mascara.  But, I am channeling my inner diva, with my Latrice Royale shirt.  Gurl's wearing enough makeup for both of us.  I try to take selfies of basic random daily looks, because this is the face I put into the world.  It's not my "game face"  It's just.  Me.

I am off to work, and then to Leah and Chris's house tonight for board games, and nerdyfun.  I will take time to try to encapsulate what this past week was all about later.  It was actually fucking wonderful.  I did so many tarot readings, engaged with so many people, it's hard not to be in THE BEST MOOD EVER.  But there was some hard shit this week too.  It's been weird.  Still feeling good.