Fuck.

I gotta write through this.

I have to.  Or else I am going to sit here listening to Adele songs, and crying till I have a seizure. Or an asthma attack like yesterday.

It's very hard to be a bad guy.  It is very hard to do the necessary thing.  I have been sitting up every night from, about midnight to four, sobbing uncontrollably.  Ugly crying.

Right doesn't mean easy.  Right, in this case, is maybe the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I keep trying to convince myself that I did the wrong thing and I should take it back.  I did the right thing.  And it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  And I am turning myself inside out.  Only in the deep privacy of late night.  I can't find anywhere else to cry.  I never thought I would be crying. alone.  in my room.  The truth does a lot of things.  But it definitely doesn't set you free, not right away anyway.

I thought I recently went through the hardest thing.  That was but a mere dress rehearsal.

I keep telling myself that this is part of the process, and it's healthy.  I made this decision.  I am going to own it.  I do own it.  I need to feel every bit of the pain.  This is not fine.  This is fine.

I think I need to talk to somebody. But I don't have the words.  I don't even have the right person to talk to anymore.

These fucking lyrics.  I can't.  I'm so stupid right now, I am just listening to this song and crying.  So I came here to break the cycle, and I am still crying.