Needs

I'm still not ready for people. I'm in a funk.  I called out of work yesterday, and today. I'm really not ready to open up, empathize, and help people tackle their issues.  Fragile. That's a good word for it. I'm feeling fragile. I couldn't really pin it down, till today.  Irv helped me frame it in language.  I'm still sort of bummed about my father, and his open hostility towards me.  We pulled some cards together, and now I can sort of see his reasons, but that doesn't magically fix how I feel.

I'm such an introvert, just spending a week straight with other people is enough to ruin me for the whole next week, especially this trip, where Alden was in our room.  I didn't have one moment of time alone, except bathroom time, and even that was always hurried.  Rushing to do the next thing, feeling obligated to not sit in our room alone, but go to Chris or Dad's room and socialize with the family. I can only do so much of that in the best of times.  Add dealing with my father who was hostile, grouchy, demanding, demeaning, anxious, mean, sexist, and generally miserable and on a mission to make the rest of us miserable...and I can't even.  We got home the day before yesterday, and I still don't feel fully myself, or "home".

I'm roaming around here, trying to stay drunk or high all day, and on the verge of tears, when I'm not.  I've got no motivation to do anything that I love. No urge to seek out my friends and loved ones to talk to them. I'm fucking lost right now.  Maybe a few more days in isolation will help. Maybe the cards we read today will get a self-dialog going, so that I can work through this.  Just touching the sore subject of my parentage/my father's issues with females (which means issues with me), and my mother, is enough to make me burst into frustrated tears.  I always said I was thoroughly happy not knowing where I came from, but every year, the mystery gets more and more...mysterious. More and more little slips and revelations.  Details come to light, but they only provoke more questions.  I'm not even being deliberately vague right now, but I don't even think I have the stamina to tackle the issue head on. I will. I'm trying to get myself there.

It's five pm. I called out of work. I have plans to go to a birthday party of a dear friend...a half hour ago. I'm still unshowered, and thoroughly dreading the evening.

I need therapy.  I need silence. I need answers. I need to understand.  I need to recharge.  I need a good cry.  I need to find the tears first.  I need to find the words.  I need to get back on the horse and tackle life head on.  Fuck.