Bigger things have happened, recently, but writing about them wouldn't have solved shit, really. Sometimes other people need to fix my problems, (because they directly cause them) and sometimes, I need to sort things out alone. Not that I think this particular issue is even a problem, but it's certainly something worth thinking about.
So, Mark. Mark and I were friends all the way back in 1994, then we lost touch because of Guam, but started hanging out when I got back. We went to the UB Adult School together, and resumed our friendship immediately. We had (have) a load of stuff in common, and eventually took our friendship deeper. We were in a really intense relationship for about 6 months. For me, at that time, 6 months was an eternity. It was the most serious I'd ever been about any relationship to date, and we experienced the entire spectrum of emotions that come with 17 year old true love. Not puppy love bullshit, but the real deal. We also hated each other's guts sometimes too. We both had a load of baggage and issues that we couldn't begin to be mature enough to work through, so I ended it. I had a few reasons. Zero sexual chemistry, not a bit of passion. Sex was an awkward thing, at the best of times, and a fucking nightmare, usually. Other things were bad, too. We were fighting so much, every day, and it always wound up in tears, both of us crying, every day. Around that time, I became interested in someone else (what a mistake that wound up being, but that is a blog for another time.) and I figured the best thing would be just to end it. I was a super fucking coward, though. I wrote Mark an 11 page letter, detailing how much I loved him and how insanely bad for each other we were, and that I'd found someone else, and that maybe we should try being friends, because we were so good as friends. Then I didn't show up for school for the next week, because I felt so fucking bad. It was the worst breakup of my young life, and I can look back at all my relationships and say that honestly. I handled it badly, and it was just bad. He quit school and disappeared. I'm going to sum this up by saying I certainly paid my karmic debt for it, with the next few nightmare relationships I went through.
So. Facebook. Mark friends me. We become friends again, and like, really friends. We still have so much in common, we talk booze, music, slasher flicks, just the shit we love, and loved experiencing together. Friends. I'm happily married, and happily involved, and happily happy. Him, notsomuch. He went back to the same girl he was with before me. He dumped Jen to be with me, and when I broke up with him, he went right back to her, and there he stayed for 16 years. They had four kids, too. He's had a rocky time of things, he was in jail for a few years, rehab, and well...she never was capable of keeping him out of trouble. Essentially, they hate each other, and he's just there for his kids, whom he adores. Mark's got a lot of issues, but I can say that he's a good father, and does his level best by his kids. He has a decent job, but is deep in debt, and trying to fix that so he can make a clean break, move out, and pay child support. She takes off a lot, for days at a time, and leaves him with the 4 kids, to raise.
He confides in me some, we've always understood each other. Last night, he wound up at my doorstep, pitifully drunk. He, Luiz, and I hung out all night, drinking and talking. He kept going back to the time we were together, and saying how much he loved me, and still does. Like, we talk and joke, and I'd say "remember that time...." and he would answer with "of course I do, that was awesome, I loved you so much. I still do, though." And, being Thelemic, I can handle that without awkwardness. Love is universal, we're all connected, I can even say that I love him, but we're on totally different levels of it. Like. I love him for who he is, and because he's a great human and a good soul, and a good friend. I. Don't. *want*. Him. I want to be there for him, maybe help him through a rough patch in his life, and be his friend, go to some metal shows, debate the awesomeness of Freddy and Jason, get drunk and silly, yell and fight and laugh. I'm not at all interested in rekindling anything. I'm like 90% sure he isn't either, but with the drunkness last night, who can really tell? I told him that I loved him too, but that never in the boyfriend/girlfriend way, not anymore. I hope he understood.
We drank and ate, and talked till he really was too drunk to sit on the pub stool in the kitchen, so we offered him a place to crash, and he declined. He only lives about 3 blocks away, so Luiz and I bundled him up, and walked him home in the snow. The three of us hugging and laughing, and stumbling the whole time. The night ended well. Irv was out dealing with the snow, and the storm, but I was on the phone with him a great deal, throughout all of this, keeping him posted, including him, talking to him, having him talk to everyone.
Luiz was there looking on from a 3rd person perspective, and he said the way Mark kept hugging me was something like the way a child hugs his mother. Clinging, lost. I must inspire that in people, or something. I can be a maternal sort of friend for him, gods know he needs some of that in his life. His own mother was a waste. He does need help, fixing his drinking problem, sorting out his feelings. I am still not sure if I can help him or would just complicate his life. Ideally, I'd like to have him be friends with all of us, like one of the group. Come on over and party with us on a Saturday night, call me when you're down, that sort of thing.
I thought the whole evening was a situation that could have been awkward, or bad, but it wasn't. Part of it is our general philosophy about life, and part of it is complete disclosure and honesty, to everyone involved, and to myself.. Maybe that's why I'm writing this. As I type this out, I'm forced to examine my motives and orchestrate my thoughts. They're still pure. I'm cool with everything. The only thing I'm worried about now is that he's feeling ashamed, bad, or awkward about last night, and that he's going to avoid us. That, and since Jen still hates me with the white-hot passion of a thousand suns, and if she finds out he was here most of the evening, she'd probably make things very bad for him. He left his hat here. I plan on having Luiz drop it off. I'm not gonna show up at his door and make things weird.
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