Paranoia?

I need to get this sorted out. I don't even know what I'm going to type, except that I have to do something, anything.  Things have been weird in the house, and at first, I thought it was me. I thought it was good old red-blooded paranoia, on my part, so I've been spending a great deal of time sorting out my own feelings and motivations.  I'm beginning to see that maybe it isn't just me being paranoid.

Things I know:

Irv has been very squirrely about money.  Acting like we're in deep poverty, so broke we can't even go grocery shopping for a few things here and there, refusing to go out to eat, going on and on about money, making me pay for all kinds of stuff.  Really cutting back on all sorts of stuff, important stuff, not just luxuries.

He has been grumpy and short tempered.  Standoffish towards me.  To the point where it's affecting everyone, and as of tonight, blowing up in our faces, and causing a ridiculous bullshit fight.

There is a real, palpable tension in the house, coming from his direction.


I way oversimplified it, but those are the pure facts.  Now, operating on intuition (only, no cards yet. I still feel a little close to the matter, to start flipping cards) I feel like he's obsessing about money and the control of it, and somehow punishing me, or taking something out on me, involving finances. In one case scenario, at least.

Another case, and I don't even want to begin thinking about it, has to do with what my mother has said.  During our huge issue, back in January, when I was talking to my mom on the phone, she said "You be careful, you watch the money. Make sure you know what he's doing with his money, that's how I found out your father was cheating on me."  It's been galloping around in my head since she mentioned it.

Things I know, regarding that:

He has a bank account that I don't have access to. Maybe two, I'm not sure.  He said he opened it to make chasing his checks at a certain bank easier, and for a Christmas Club sort of thing. Said he would put a bit away every month, to make the holidays easier.  Great, we used it for that, two Christmases ago. Not this past holiday, though. He said it was because he stopped putting money there.

I told him in the middle of all that, that I would start saving every penny and making sure I was ok, financially, because I needed the ability to be independent. I was ready to pack Alden up and leave with him that night.

I half wonder if he's subconsciously keeping me poor by having me pay for more and more things around the house, so I can't save a hundred bucks from one month to the next.  So...tell me, at least, so I can plan for it.  I half wonder if he resents my newfound solvency since the raise and extra hours at IFF, and is taking it out on me in certain ways.  I half wonder if he is stashing a large amount of money in secrecy, then I wonder why. Is it like my mother says? I honestly doubt it...but it could be paranoia on his part, setting in.  It could be that he wants to buy some sort of huge equipment, and he knows I might question it. (I've never said no to him making a big purchase in his life...I mean, fuck, he bought a Ford Bronco two years ago, and it's been sitting in front of our house, he drove it maybe a dozen times....)

It's causing me a lot of stress.  Barbecue season is upon us, and I like entertaining. I can't mention having someone over, without a terse "why?" or "well, fine, but keep it cheap" or some vague non-answer.  I can't make plans to go anywhere-do anything, not camping, nothing, without either the vague shrug, or some argument.  I've been cooking from the freezer and pantry for months, only going out and buying groceries, with my own money, out of desperation. Any time I mention groceries, I get the vague shrug.

It's not about the money. It's about the evasiveness. The sneaky feeling, the terseness,  the silence.  If he came right out and said, "hey, since you're making more money right now, can you cover the groceries?" I would agree in a heartbeat...I mean I already have been, hell.  I just want to know, I want it to be on my own terms.

This will make no sense. I am going to go back and read it anyway, to see if I learn something new about myself, and my situation.  Then, maybe, since I've dumped it all out of my head, I can do a good clean tarot reading about it.