καλλίστῃ

Deep in my blackest center heart, I'm an atheist.  When Chris lumped me into his "theist" friends like Pike or Luiz, I blanched.  Lie down with dogmas, get fleas, I guess.  I embrace the philosophy of Discordianism and to a minor extent Thelema (although that's just discordianism with a rulebook, which is the antithesis of discordianism, really) because I know I am the god of my own world.  I control my reality, and I accept the consequences, as well as the benefits of every scrap of it.  There is no divine Other.  There is only Me.  When I was a child toying with folk magic, I knew instinctually that I  had control over the outcome.  When those love spells failed, even at age 13, I knew why.  I have never thrown up my  hands at any part of my life and wailed "WHY" or holyfuck the worst ever "WHY ME".  That mentality infuriates me.  So, I embrace the concept, because of everything I've learned so far, those hit the closest to my own philosophy.  Not religion.  Not "spirituality".  Philosophy.

A lot happened today.  A lot of soul bearing problem-solving demon killing.  Demon, because it's a short word for "the evil voice that comes from the ugliest recesses of my own mind and works to undermine every shred of success in my life"  so, we'll use demon, even though it has many bullshit contexts.  One thing Luiz said, was "How's that discordian thing working out for you?"  I love him, but he can't see three feet in front of his face, so to speak.

I explained it to him like this:

Every "system" I have ever learned, every "religion" has only gotten me so far.  Born Catholic I learned that there was some concept of divinity, and so on down my long line of tried and discarded religions, from Satanism to science, from witchcraft to Buddhism.  Each system has gotten me a little further with sorting myself out, my moral codes, how I explain existence, but nothing has ever taken me there.  If I have to explain what there means, then the whole rest of this body of writing won't make any sense, so I'll let it lie.  Discord strips all the fences away. All the symbols and systems and circles.  No more alphabets, no more numbers, no more giving names to things.  Everything about existence becomes a tremendous ocean.  Do I have the strength to drink it down, every salty drop?  Or will I drown?  That's life's ultimate test.  I've tossed aside all the systems.

He's having a hard time digesting it, in fact, he won't even pick up the apple.  He's afraid of the wellspring of chaos.  I am too, honestly.

The cards don't work for me anymore.  I can read with precision for anyone else, but for me they're so many pebbles on a blank field.  I've been lugging my experiences with religions and all their trappings like some kind of cherished resume, maintained and curated.  I've been clinging to my herbs, runes, stones, semantics, symbols, god names, demon names, angel names, candles, color associations....blah...I clung to all that like a security blanket.  Nothing has gotten me past the ladder.

I have been repeating so glibly, and with rote memorization my method for reading tarot. Say it with me now, kiddies, "The books, numbers, systems to read, the symbolism will only get you up so high, like a very good ladder.  When you take that leap of faith into the things that aren't outlined, when you read the things that aren't shown on the card, that's when you're really reading the tarot.  When you can step off the ladder and fly, then you're doing something."  Of course you're making progress, as you ascend the ladder! Everyone but everyone needs to climb a little, even the most famous fables, like Jesus and Buddha, had to hurt a little, and learn some shit.  I can say very truthfully, "Gosh, Lisa, you have come soooo far, from those old days of being Catholic."  Shit, when I considered myself a satanist, I could say that very same thing.  It's true, all true!  But not all of the truth.

Even Crowley, my go to-lunatic, a guy who I think may have got it-really got it, could only write about it using bucketfuls of artless bullshit.  His own ego couldn't let this knowledge go, he had to write prolifically of it at any chance, and by doing so, naming it, literally, and separating it from his true self.  He named it "Aiwass".  I blame drugs. By doing so, he just built another step on a well crafted ladder, for seekers.  A very VERY good step, filled with things to contemplate, and "hmmmm" about and theorize, and postulate.  Numbers to explain the whole UNIVERSE.  Secret societies, degrees, titles, funny clothes, and the backing of old white men that call themselves "magicians" throughout the centuries.  Hell..he even named the very ladder of which I speak. (Choronozon) That's so fucking meta!  Crowley's god-self must be CRACKING THE FUCK UP right now.  Oh Discordia, what a hoot!  I suppose my own ego needs to write, too, although I won't blow through my family fortune to become published.

The hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life was climb that ladder, then kick it aside.  I've been perching at the tippy top, for awhile. To embrace discord is to dive into that ocean.  That "ocean" of which I speak is my true mother, father, self, children, my true existence, my reality. The place from which I was born, and the place I'll return to to be born again.  Ocean is the only word.  A great infinite, scary, bitter soup of the reality, that I, God, have created.  Not reality, but The Reality.  I throw aside all the systems! I embrace chaos! Only then will I know my true limits! Only then will I have known temptation!  Do I drown in that wellspring ocean of chaos?  Or do I drink it and allow it to become part of me?  Can I channel it, and own it?  Do I float along keeping my head above water?  Only without my life raft of "religion" can I know!

So, yeah.  Religion. Ick.