I generally stay uninvolved, but when the drama lands squarely in my lap, usually feel like I have no choice but to react, or empathize, or help. I realize now, that even though people will bring the drama right to my fucking front door in the middle of the night, they're not looking for empathy or help or support. I don't exactly know what they're looking for. That's where my stress comes from. Not knowing how to help, not knowing if it's wanted, and generally being in the dark. I think the "being in the dark" thing is the real kicker. I can only react to what I see and hear. I keep that very specific, because I do have the ability to pull cards, and see things, but I respect my friends well enough to not do that, and take everything they say at face value instead. If the face a person shows me isn't honest. then "face value" is valueless. That's where I'm at now.
I used the word "best friend" and treated this friend the way I would treat anyone I regard that close, and I realized weeks ago, before all this current drama, that I am propagating a lie in my head, and if I simply look over the years, I've never been treated that way in return. It's been troubling me for over a month. He's not only not a "best friend", he treats me like the enemy often enough that it's taking a toll. This friend has gone out of his way to disclude me from his life, keep me separated from the rest of his friends, and keep me in the dark about his life in general, to the point of constantly and actively lying.
In the past year or so, it's gotten worse, and it's making me feel like this ship has sailed. The whole thing is thrown into juxtaposition when I spend time with people that actually call *me* their best friend. My actual friends want me around. My friends seek me out and invite me places, and make plans with me. I don't have to beg to hang out with my actual friends. I don't have to constantly ask them to go places, or hang out, and understand that they will only fit me in if they have absolutely zero anything else to do.
I am throwing way too much into this, and I have been for years. I'm getting literally nothing. Literally. Nothing. Not even the simple truth in return. I feel like by keeping this "best friend" thing alive, I'm just decorating a dead tree. No matter how many pretty things I drape on it, it's still hollow and dead. I'm the queen of hard truths, and I'm not exempt from my own medicine. It's fucking hard to type all that out. This all basically means I've been lying to myself for years. But when Irv and Luiz see it. When Michele sees it, I feel like everyone has known it but me, and now I do too. Irv said, the other night "he used you for free rides and food when you were kids, why do you think anything's changed now?". He's not wrong.
Some people can't change. Or some people have already done all the changing and this is what we're left with. So, problem solved. I have to accept that people choose their lives. I've spent the weekend mulling this over, and on Friday I was losing sleep with worry about a friend's abusive situation. I went out to a huge fun thing Friday night, and it was tainted by all this. Like...should I be there for him? Should I call and see? I hope everything's ok. I hope he's ok. All night, like stampeding horses. I feel like maybe I was the only one feeling that level of pain, about all this. I'm pretty much done worrying and agonizing.
I used the word "best friend" and treated this friend the way I would treat anyone I regard that close, and I realized weeks ago, before all this current drama, that I am propagating a lie in my head, and if I simply look over the years, I've never been treated that way in return. It's been troubling me for over a month. He's not only not a "best friend", he treats me like the enemy often enough that it's taking a toll. This friend has gone out of his way to disclude me from his life, keep me separated from the rest of his friends, and keep me in the dark about his life in general, to the point of constantly and actively lying.
In the past year or so, it's gotten worse, and it's making me feel like this ship has sailed. The whole thing is thrown into juxtaposition when I spend time with people that actually call *me* their best friend. My actual friends want me around. My friends seek me out and invite me places, and make plans with me. I don't have to beg to hang out with my actual friends. I don't have to constantly ask them to go places, or hang out, and understand that they will only fit me in if they have absolutely zero anything else to do.
I am throwing way too much into this, and I have been for years. I'm getting literally nothing. Literally. Nothing. Not even the simple truth in return. I feel like by keeping this "best friend" thing alive, I'm just decorating a dead tree. No matter how many pretty things I drape on it, it's still hollow and dead. I'm the queen of hard truths, and I'm not exempt from my own medicine. It's fucking hard to type all that out. This all basically means I've been lying to myself for years. But when Irv and Luiz see it. When Michele sees it, I feel like everyone has known it but me, and now I do too. Irv said, the other night "he used you for free rides and food when you were kids, why do you think anything's changed now?". He's not wrong.
Some people can't change. Or some people have already done all the changing and this is what we're left with. So, problem solved. I have to accept that people choose their lives. I've spent the weekend mulling this over, and on Friday I was losing sleep with worry about a friend's abusive situation. I went out to a huge fun thing Friday night, and it was tainted by all this. Like...should I be there for him? Should I call and see? I hope everything's ok. I hope he's ok. All night, like stampeding horses. I feel like maybe I was the only one feeling that level of pain, about all this. I'm pretty much done worrying and agonizing.
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