There has been a recent shift in my life.  I could mark it from the Jake thing, but it was long before all that.  And maybe why I handled things the way I did.  Anyway, that friend-ship sailed (ha) and I am quite ok with it.  I didn't realize for a long time that it was already heading that direction.  Years of wasting illness, and a peaceful death.

But this shift is happening on a larger scale.  I'm mired in depression, I have lost sight of my giant goals.  It takes every ounce of effort just to get up in the morning, get dressed, and do things.  I avoid people that truly love and care for me, and have been too involved in some weird approval seeking behavior from people who obviously don't give a fuck.  I have been sick and sore and sad and sleepy for months.

I wake up every morning feeling the same way.  Except that I'm not.  First, we conquered a lifetime of insomnia.  Up till the beginning of July, I had been averaging 3 hours a sleep a day/night often taken in 45 minute naps.  I'd collapse from exhaustion at 4, then Irv's alarm clock would get both of us up at 5.  I'd lay awake for an hour and try to fall back to sleep.  Then I'd sleep from maybe 7-8:30, and Luiz would come to bed, and I'd wake up and we'd have sex, or talk, or cuddle.  Sometimes, I would go back to sleep, sometimes, I would just get up and have my day, then have maybe an hour nap later.  If I could sleep.  In the beginning of July, my doctor diagnosed me with sleep deficit disorder and put me on very mild sleeping pills.  Things. Are. MUCH. Better.  I sleep 8 hours.  I wake up feeling energized.  I haven't woken up feeling energized since I was a teenager.

I discovered that I'm working out more.  Walking more.  Being more physically active in subtle ways.  My body is just craving activity, and I have started belly dancing again.  I take tons of selfies (that I never post) because I am appreciating my body.  I accidentally lost 40 pounds.  I quit my doctor when he said "you're doing everything wrong".  All under this miasma of depression, this fog.  Doing things subconsciously.

Reaching out for the right people.  Avoiding the small, sick, toxic types.

I've been going out more.  Having more fun.

In 20 minutes, I'm going out planner shopping.  Then to the bank. Then to therapy.