I closed reddit. I cannot bury myself in comforting things, right now. I need to write.

So, Luiz did something almost irreparably shitty to me, today. It's something he does on a frequent and consistent basis, but this turns out to be the most damaging time.

When I love someone and trust them perfectly, I talk to them. Sometimes, my friends confide in me, and usually when it's something I could use input on, or something that fills me with joy, I'll share it with Irv or Luiz. So, once when Schuyler confided to me that was so out of my knowledge zone, something kind of shocking, I mentioned it to Irv mostly, because he's pretty steady and can provide detached unjudgemental information. It was like "Schuyler has this weird situation. I'm at a loss. Please advise." It was a secret. It was something that Schuyler was feeling uncomfortable with, and turned to me for advice. Luiz over heard this, and at the earliest opportunity mentioned it to him. In a mocking way.

That was maybe five years ago? Schuyler hasn't confided in me since then. Our friendship took kind of a turn. We're very casual now, and we barely ever talk. I'm not gonna lie, I've been feeling the sting of it since it happened. Then he told Alden some very important details about my personal life that is none of a child's business. I'm a parent, Alden is my kid. There needs to be some mystery about my recreational life. Luiz went ahead and just shone a spotlight on every facet of my life, to Alden, unasked for. Facets that no kid ever needs to know about their parent.

Luiz will see me pulling cards, for a friend and come hover over what I'm doing. He'll get up in my shit and try to help me. Then in short order, he'll go to that friend, and say things like, "So, I hear you're having marital issues, WELL, Lisa and I pulled cards, and we figured this out about you." Which isn't the case. Sometimes, I turn to him for help when I'm too close, but more often than not, I read the cards solo. I'm digressing. But, I'm writing out the history here.

So, today, he kind of carpetbombed me. He waited till the very end of a really good day, during PMS, after I packed a huge bowl, 10 hours before I'm going to eat breakfast with her, and announced that he had a crush on Michele. Which hurts, and we talked about the reasons for it, which I might have to write another blog post about. But, it's really nothing that I couldn't cope with, I just needed to digest it, you know? At some point in that conversation, he said

"I'm pretty sure she doesn't hate me. I meant what I said about cultivating a friendship. It's my way to be selfless and be cool.  My designs on a clean friendship are pure."


Then he kept trying to impress upon me that he needs to be friends with her. My answer,


"Well, there doesn't *need* to be. She's my best friend. She's not close friends with Irv, never has been. She's friendly with Irv. She's friendly with you."

So, that was kind of the end of that. He kept begging me to trust him, and I really can't. I trust that he'll do what he wants, what he thinks is right no matter what my feelings are. Something kept nagging at me about the word trust.


At that exact same moment, he was carrying on a conversation with her in another window, trying to be all deep and philosophical and what he thinks as "friendly" I guess. He took a conversation that Michele and I had months ago in confidence. A girly girl on girl conversation that made me happy, some personal bit of emotion and conversation that should have been between her and I only, one that I shouldn't have really shared, but I stupidly did...and repeated it to her verbatim. As in "Lisa told me this is how you feel about this situation, and I think that's just ducky." He was using some piece of confidential information to become closer and "friendlier" with her.

It was just most shitty, scummy, backstabby thing ever. Michele picked up on it immediately and ended that aspect of the conversation. Cards were pulled. He didn't think it had any effect. It most definitely had a very immediate and heart rending effect. Michele now doesn't think she can trust me. And just when we were getting our friendship back on track after Kenn. Now we have this huge, maybe irreparable rift, and this distance. The same kind he caused between Schuyler and I. And Chris and I with his little "open letter". And Alden and I. This 18 year old friendship went through some very brittle times, and now as adults we were just getting so much fuller and better.

I feel like an ass. I feel like now Michele can't trust me, the way Schuyler couldn't, the way nobody could, I guess. I'm not blind to the fact that I made it wrong. I can't believe I'm so stupid. I should never have told Luiz shit. Actually, I was very transparent about recent developments, too, till he spilled my business to Alden. Around then, I started dialing it back around him and not telling him the majority of what goes on in my conversations with people. He didn't even realize that my trust for him was eroding by the day, and was so shocked to learn I don't tell him 100%. Instinct told me to not disclose secrets anymore, and I definitely quit, maybe in early May.

I'm anxious and exhausted. I'm dreading tomorrow morning. I've been sitting here with tears threatening to fall, but somehow not. I feel hot and dry and angry. I'm hurting and raw, and unsure of anything.

He keeps pawing at me, looking for me to comfort him or boost his ego. That's not for him today. He doesn't get to run over my feelings with a steamroller, and my relationships, and expect me applaud him for his spiritual journey to "become a better person" That's the thinnest line of bullshit I've read all night.

I'm falling asleep at my computer. I'm husked out. Maybe I can bring this more out at a later date, or maybe this was enough. I'm not even sure how to go about being social tomorrow.

I know why. I don't even have the emotional fortitude to go into "why" he does this, right now.  It's enough that I know, and I strongly dislike his reasons.