So, on a close friend's wall, I was just subject to a fat joke. Which I didn't even notice/get.  My friend apologized fiercely, and is verging on cutting the guy out of his friends list over it.  I'm...like already over it.  Or, it didn't even phase me.  I had to explain to him, I've been fat all my life, and the word "fat" doesn't even have negative connotations anymore.  At worst, it's like describing me. I have green eyes. I have tattoos. I'm fat.  At best, I told him, it's positive.  As in.  "Yeah, I'm fat.  I get laid every fucking day.  YOU WISH YOU LOOKED THIS GOOD."  That's exactly how I worded it.

My whole life.  No amount of going to the gym, healthy eating, exercise, bicycle, yoga, pilates, belly dancing, weight training, calorie counting, vegetarianism...nothing...changes my essential shape.  I've converted about sixty pounds of this fat into muscle, but I'm still not even remotely thin, and I probably never will be, and what's more, I don't want to be.  It doesn't trouble me.

I feel the muscles rippling under my generous padding.  I'm ridiculously flexible.  I'm strong.  I'm light on my feet.  I'm graceful. I'm resilient.  I literally carry my own weight, well.  I've worked hard on this body, and I can work hard with it. It's amazing what I can do.  Sometimes, I amaze myself.

Turns out, being fat is good for me.

I've spent a lot of time figuring out how to dress, and how to maximize the potential of my finer qualities. I'm beautiful, I have gorgeous eyes and a wonderful, genuine, generous smile.  So, I focus on smiling a lot, genuinely.  I love looking at people, and looking in their eyes.  My skin is velvety.  I spend a good deal of time making sure it stays that way.  My shoulders are sexy, so I show them off.  My breasts are amazing. I show them off.  My legs and ass are strong and muscular, I show them off.  My belly is soft and lush to the touch, I love touching it, and I love having it touched  It really does feel nice squishing about in my hands.  My narrow hips are surprising. They're bony and sexy, and they make very convenient handles.  I have spent a lot of time acquainting myself with my body.  It's a delicious sensual experience, it's a playground, and a temple.   It's both primal and refined.  It's all good.

I care about how I represent myself to the world.  I never want to be unpolished, or sloppy.  I feel like not only do I represent myself, but all women of a certain size.  Every morning, I get up caring about my looks, and how I show myself to the world.  I want to do us proud.  Not only that, but I want to look good for my guys. I want them to be proud to walk next to me, and show me off.  I want to turn them on, and I want to be attractive.

Because of my size, I've worked very hard to find self love, and self acceptance.  Many people never even think about this, but it's something that I have smashed myself against for many years.  I've arrived now.  I don't cringe at my photographs anymore. I don't shy away from full length mirrors anymore (in fact, I embrace them, so I can get a good look at the tattoos I don't normally see).  I'm going to the beach Friday.  I'm going to look hot as hell in my bathing suit.  This journey was all on my own.  Luiz has written sonnets about my body, but until I completely internalized it, they were meaningless to me.  It's all about what goes on within.  If I weren't fat, would I have spent so much time self actualizing?  Who knows?

Because I'm fat, when I was younger, I worked SO hard on being a good person that people would like no matter what.  I try to be tactful and charming. I'm fucking hilarious. I've studied great comedians, timing and delivery.  I was always fat, and I had no friends when I was a kid... so I read whole libraries worth of books.  I'm brilliant, I'm educated, and I continue to be well read.  Rather than hanging out and being shallow with the cool kids...I devoted every spare bit of time to learning learning learning.  I've watched scores and scores of good movies.  I taught myself to write, draw, and paint, and to cook.  Immersed myself in countless hours of exquisite music. I've learned the art of conversation. Without the distraction of banal social bullshit, I've also learned to be alone with myself, and relish my own company.  I've learned to never be bored.

Because I already look different, I never tried to fit in.  I've always been an outcast, so I thrived in that role, turned it on its ear, and made being the "outcast" something positive.  I physically stand out from the crowd, so why not everything else?

I've learned who I can trust, I've learned more than I ever wanted to know about how other people view me, for better or worse.  I've developed lightning flash intuition.  Being fat has conveniently cut many people out of my life, simply because they had a problem with my size.  That makes things nice. Never a need to worry I'm wasting energy on the wrong people. They show their hand early on.

I've also learned to look past everyone's physical appearances, and all superficial criteria, and to not judge anyone by anything, ever.  Being judged hurts, I've learned.  So, I don't do it.

Because I'm fat, I've worked extra hard learning about nutrition and good health.  I have more risks to worry about, of course, which means I go the extra mile to keep myself healthy.  I take lots of extra care, with getting a balanced diet.  But, also, I love myself enough to eat with relish and abandon. Self denial is not in my vocabulary (about anything, really).  It's a fine balance.

Here's the thing about self denial.  I don't do it. Not for love, not for sex, not for just doing whatever the fuck I want.  I will never deny myself a worthwhile sensual experience, no matter how it shows up, and sometimes, that means food.  Or sometimes it means just stepping out of my jeans and wading into the ocean in my panties.  I love myself, and I would never deny myself anything. Just like, I would never deny my loved ones anything.  I love you, so I will never deny you anything.  We talked about love today a lot, too.  I think, somewhere in the cosmos, my weight is just me wearing my "Refuser of None" nature on my frame.  I won't turn down an amazing meal made with love. I won't speculate about calories, or potential consequences. If someone (including myself, because I love myself) fixes me a delicious meal, or takes me out..then I embrace it with full openness and really fucking live that moment, taking in every bit.

My friend. He was so appalled on my behalf, so protective, so hurt.  I'm not.  He's gained a lot of weight in the past few years, and I think it's settling on him nicely.  He looks very rugged and deliciously primal.  I don't think he's ok with his size, yet.  I think that's why he freaked out.  A shot at my fatness was a shot at him.  I want to empower him, so he doesn't feel self conscious about that kind of thing either.  He's beautiful.  I am too.